3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
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“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU