That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
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I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.