One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
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Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
The government even made aliens boring
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Leaving the Barbers like
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times