*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
ACED my prostate exam!
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I have a black belt in leather
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long