Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
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Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I’m awake but I object,
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”