boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
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Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person: