HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
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‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
The human personality is made of five key elements
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.