You’re the unreachable booger of people.
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When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
When I said I liked it rough.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph