[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
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teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus