My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
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me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.