why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
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[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!