Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
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I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I’m giving up ice.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people