POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
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ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
This came to me in a dream.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
My life coach traded me.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.