My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
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Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit