-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
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Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.