The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
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this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
the short answer to this question
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork