My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
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Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Bartenders are just boneless bars
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong