Lol
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No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.