Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
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Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Trains are just sideway elevators.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate