Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
You Might Also Like
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.