Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
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i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Sunday
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?