Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
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(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
(by @ZachWeiner )
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do