While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
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King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
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I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
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I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
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[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
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Me: eels but electric
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Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
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Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
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Her: someone with serious ink
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ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
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M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
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