Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
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Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days