He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
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My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.