Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
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I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??