Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
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Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.