I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
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“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.