I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
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*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My work here is done
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”