Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
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2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment