Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
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Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves