*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
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Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.