My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
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when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do