ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
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Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
He’s cranky this morning
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.