The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
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*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
2022 be like
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am