Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
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My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Wait a minute…
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
When you’ve simply given up.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.