I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
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[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
the red hot silly peppers
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.