I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
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My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.