if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
You Might Also Like
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.