[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
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me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline