Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
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[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year