[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
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In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Before crowbars crows drank alone
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…