Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
You Might Also Like
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.