They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
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Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too