This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
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IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
grotesque if literal: baby food
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.