The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
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Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good