*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
You Might Also Like
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds