If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
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My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Rt to bother an English speaker
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.