{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
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Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
me when the borders lift
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack