Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project